I rode last night at 7 to make up for Tuesday being snowed out.

I realised that I couldn’t get home at 9pm, and then get up for 6am to get back to the yard for 9am.

So I switched my Thursday lesson to 2.15.

I met a friend in town for a coffee and figured I’d get on the 12.50 bus to the taxi to the yard.

And then it started to — wait for it — snow.

The dithering that ensued is appalling, so if you don’t want to read on, I’ll totally understand.

The thing was, and even now I’m not sure I fully grasp that I know better, all these hours later, but I had a shitty ten minutes towards the end of the lesson last night, and left feeling crap, that I’m a rubbish rider and I’ve gone as far as I can go and that I suck. If I apply reason to this, I can see that I did fine during the run of the lesson, and even over the jumps up to the fateful jump in which I didn’t want to jump, because I didn’t like Rebel’s canter, but I couldn’t make him turn, and he took it anyway, just as I said, aloud, ‘I can’t do this.’

Wha’??? This was the worst part of it; the best part that I didn’t fall off after he landed and started pelting for the back of the ride — the back of the ride that was so, so, so near to door that I was like, can you not move up? but I didn’t ask, so I’m taking that on board as well. Sheesh.

I proceeded to take a couple more fences, it’s not like I quit, but I never remember not to panic, to just feckin’ STOP if I feel things are going beyond my control. Dammit.

So I wanted to go back, and undo the mental damage [yes, got that, thanks], but then the snow came down, like, loads, for here, and I rang Paul and he said best to play it by ear, and then the snow stopped and I decided to go, and then it started again! And by the time it stopped AGAIN it was too late, I’d already rung to say the weather was too dodgy, and once again I was all dressed up with nowhere to go.

I’ve just exhausted myself with all of the above.

I have felt this way after lessons in the past, and here I still am. And so I will still be, going back to it, only it’ll be Saturday instead of today. I’ll get back up there, and maybe make the progress that’s been simmering, and maybe learn the lesson at the heart of this: don’t be so hard on yourself! Keep your head! Do what you have to do to get yourself organised and calm!

Okay. Got it. Finger’s crossed.

This post is dedicated to Shauna, who so patiently heard me through all this nonsense over tea and a gigantic Viennese Whirl xxx